TW : This post & poem discusses suicide (including ideation, attempts, & death), addiction, & self-harm.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT HEALING FEELS LIKE, BUT IT DEFINITIVELY DOESN’T INVOLVE YOU INTRODUCING YOURSELF INTO THE SITUATION w. A TONGUE LEASHED TO DOGMATIC SYSTEMS OF VALUE
[ NOTE : at the bottom of this post are links to resources relating
to healing, prevention, & communities ]
I’ve been called selfish for attempting to kill myself.
I’ve also been shamed for forms of self-harm our culture does not consider acceptable.
I’ve been shamed as an addict, relating to a variety of drugs & alcohol—though, interestingly enough, if you create something “artsy enough,” people often excuse, entirely-overlook, or rationalize non-prescription drug use as a “normal, necessary part of the creative process & drive.”
…but if you have a hat out on the sidewalk, asking for change?
“Junky. Lazy. Fuck off.”
Though kindness does show face, & these are strong generalizations, the predatory nature of these insecure cultural hierarchies quivers when something the individual doesn’t want to acknowledge within themselves is externally clear in someone else.
“Over-doses are natural selection.”
Institutionalized standards regarding the medication of trauma creates space for people who have more societally acceptable addictions/coping mechanisms for their pain, such as television series, eating (though, pending on your body processes & gender-presentation, billboards & vultures will gauge how they shame), sex (again, pending—), cigarettes, work, intellectualizing emotions, etc/etc/etc, to distance themselves & look down upon people medicating their pain/traumas w. addictions that are not acceptable, such as heroin, meth, benzos, RCs, stolen scripts, etc/etc/etc.
“People who commit suicide only think of themselves.”
I’ve watched homies shamed for expressing a desire to die by folks they’re close to, or share on how they’ve been shamed for sharing w. others that they’ve been thinking about suicide. Search “suicide shame” on The Icarus Projects’ FB group, & you’ll find swatches of people sharing their stories in a communal space that won’t rip into you for expressing ideation / attempts / desires.
Leave these smaller corners of the internet, & it’s not hard to find people shaming suicide + addiction…
Stop shaming people for wanting to die
Shame doesn’t help anyone heal
This poem (& post) is definitively not comprehensive, or asserting itself to be. The predacious aspects of this culture, & the systems of thought it cultivates, targets groups to varying degrees based on their identity, whether it’s race, sexual orientation, documents, religion, or any other expression of a person that doesn’t fit the billboard standards of marketed colonial-american morality.
This poem & post are post-it notes floating on a pond of experiences I can & cannot relate to. The scribbles & scratches here are attempts to take a step w. being vulnerable w. my own shit, & attempt to release some internalized experiences that someone else may benefit from.
“STOP SHAMING PEOPLE FOR WANTING TO DIE”
El Panchan, Chis, MX, 3.18.18
RESOURCES REGARDING SUICIDE & HEALING
If you any suggestions for mental health resources to include, please contact me w. “I Deserve Love” in the subject line of your email.
- “8 Mental Health & Self-Care Resources For QTPOC“ by Danielle Dorsey
- “Listening To Shame” & “The Power of Vulnerability“ by Brené Brown (TEDx)
- The Icarus Project Crisis Toolkit
- The Icarus Project Support Group (FB)
- NAMI : LGBTQI+ Resource List
- The Trevor Project (24hr, toll-free, suicide-hotline for LGBTQI+)
- The Trevor Project (24hr, online chat for LGBTQI+)
- Radical Transformation Project’s List of Mental Health Resources
- Wellness & Recovery Human Rights Campaign
“WRITE THE POEM, RECORD, UPLOAD,”
“This poem’s a continuation of the “Write The Poem, Record, Upload” series, a compilation of “first-drafts” recorded & performed to ground cultivating a humility that’s not self-loathing.
&, I mean, I guess you can also hit me up on all 3… ya know? Show some love to this weird kid who’s shit w. self-promotion! Thanks for the support y’all!
& much gratitude to the folks that have helped me get this far ❤